My Thanksgiving Services

Happy American Thanksgiving!

As a Canadian free from family obligations I am available this weekend for the following services:

1) I can pose as your boyfriend/fiancée/Latin Lover to shut down annoying relatives who wonder why on a planet of 7 billion people you are still single…(please note: jamming my hand into the back pocket of your Lee jeans is an extra fee)

2) Trash talk relatives of your choosing while we watch football games: they’ll never see me again so I can happily burn that bridge: “Uncle Jim the only thing faster than this running back is how quickly your marriage is crumbling! See how this team is struggling to score? That’ll be your life when you’re single!”

3) Ushering drunk and belligerent family members from the dining table to the bedroom. (Or if you honestly want the whole affair to go south…family is all about precious memories…giving them more drinks and cranking their gears: “Let’s talk politics!”)

Please Note: I no longer do parades. Sorry: there…was an incident.
Please contact me for rates.


Also published on Medium.

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