Management emailed us detailed instructions and responses to active attackers/shooters. First response is of course GET OUT. While I may not be a D cup jammed into a tight white tank top I’ve seen enough horror movies to sensibly make a mad dash for the front door. Shout out to the Scream movies!

The third option as “a last resort” is fight! YES!

Yo: enjoy this freshtastic pictorial of John Wick ruckus…this cracks me up.

Regrettably I do not work in a wild west saloon with other cowboys otherwise it’d be a surreal bucket list thrill to dash a wooden chair on somebody’s back.
(In an era of ergonomics who has a wooden chair anyways?! What are you supposed to do if you sit on a ball? Yell “catch MF!” before throwing it?) Really wish they’d photoshopped some slo-mo John Woo doves into this mix.

Admittedly I can survive a horror movie; even as a visible minority but I’m toast in an action movie: zero aim with guns; slightly racist kung-fu moves; can’t even whip a knife in a viciously cool motion…so I ain’t Die Harding anyone (with all due respect to Bowie. Some of us can be heroes not all of us…great tune though.)

Happily I could be a decent bad guy goon though…I’m deft with a clever one-liner and up for goon shtick (goon chic?) like wearing 3D glasses or rockin a funky pimp-smooth mustache but I’ll be dispatched quickly. I’d be useful for providing intimidating numbers to efficiently circle and surround the hero but I’ll go down quickly…leaving the audience to wonder why I wasn’t properly trained for evil.

The audience is right to question the character of goons…they wanna be bad but they don’t wanna be good at it…that’s why they tend to get killed so fast: weak losers putting the “go on” in goon as the hero masterfully works his way through the inferior horde to go on to the next phase of his epic hero quest.
In this life we’ll pass away never truly knowing the impact we have on others.

-28-

Listen to My Summer Lair @ W • T • F

Also published on Medium.