This is the most magical time of the year. The NBA playoffs are the Bar Mitzvahs for players transforming boys into men. (And in some cases as with some players it’s a Bat Mitzvah). I know all kinds of “professional” people have offered their opinions on what will occur. I’m not a professional sports guy but I am people so here my predictions be:

EAST
Series 1: Cavaliers (No. 1) VS Bulls (No. 8 )

Prediction: Cavs in 5.

If last year’s playoff Bulls show up this will be a fun series for the whole family. Still in the end the Cavs got places to go…so the Bulls are just in the way. All I ask of the Bulls is please have some dignity and don’t get swept. You’re better than that.

Series 2: Magic (No. 2) VS Bobcats (No. 7)

Prediction: Magic in 5.

Alright for my next trick I’d like a lady from the audience…I noticed we have a few cougars in the house. Well what can you expect this is Florida. Alright you…the Bobcat, yes you’ll do. Now watch carefully as I count to 5 the Bobcat will disappear! Ready?

Series 3: Hawks (No. 3) VS Bucks (No. 6)

Prediction: Hawks in 5.

If Discovery Channel and Fox co-produced a special you’d probably end up with something like Hawks vs Bucks. They’d probably do it all March Madness like with a touch of Bloodsport thrown in for good ratings measure. My good money is on the Hawks…though of course they just don’t have the juice to go the distance.

Series 4: Celtics (No. 4) VS Heat (No. 5)

Prediction: Celtics in 6.

The 4-5 matchups are always the most fun…lots of potential for ruckus. In the end the Celtics will survive the Heat in the kitchen and cook up a victory. Should probably throw in a joke about beans since Boston is Beantown but that’d just be lowest common dominator. So Family Guy.

So far all of my East predictions are on par with everyone else. Doesn’t win me ladies but I keep my friends.

West
Series 1: Lakers (No. 1) VS Thunder (No. 8 )

Prediction: Lakers in 5.

One of the main reasons you move to Los Angeles is the Sunshine. And while I do see some reign in the forecast I don’t see any lightening or hear much Thunder. I know the experts (i.e. fat guys on tv) are saying this is “meet the new boss, same as the old boss” with the Kobe/Kevin matchup but today is not the Thunder’s time to strike.

Series 2: Mavs (No. 2) VS Spurs (No. 7)

Prediction: Mavs in 6.

You know it’d be cool if Cleveland and Dallas got into the Finals then it’d be the Cavs VS the Mavs! Anyways this is your classic wild west showdown. Truth is if the Spurs can force a game 7 and even get some luck in said game 7…they could go to the next round. Still this is no time to Kidd around…Mavs do look good.

Series 3: Suns (No. 3) VS Trailblazers (No. 6)

Prediction: Suns in 5.

So many jokes with this one and they’re all bad. I could point out the Trailblazers won’t be blazing a path to the second round. The Phoenix will rise again! The Sun hasn’t set on the Suns! I’ll stop now. Suns in 5.

Series 4: Nuggets (No. 4) VS Jazz (No. 5)

Prediction: Nuggets in 6.

Jazz and Nuggets…sounds like another McDonald’s Cafe experiment. This is gonna be a great series and will probably end up going to 7 games. If it goes to 7 the Jazz can take it. I know you’re waiting for a jazz related joke here but please…jazz is all about surprising the audience.

The West is where the action will be…the Spurs/Mavs, the Nuggets/Jazz these are gonna be good clean fun games. Order the wings and put a pot of coffee on we’re gonna be here for a while.

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Also published on Medium.