In Case of Apocalypse… (Part I)

My Honest Truth: whenever I board an airplane I suvey it’s length identifying all the emergency exits locations measured in distance from my seat. Then I evaluate the people sitting next to those emergency exits.

Can I trust that person? Will they panic? Or react swiftly and smartly? Hmmm he’s got breakfast burrito stains on his shirt, if the wings fall off this sucker I’m on my own. So Be It. See…I am Boy Scout prepared.

Look: we live in a world of impending doom. And the only way to successfully avoid succumbing to the fear and paranoia is to armed a game plan.

So in the event of the following Apocalypses I’ve devised a game plan.

Zombie Apocalypse: Shucks…when this Apocalypse hits, I’m Carl-Lewis-sprinting for the emergency exits only leaving behind a flaming trail like the DeLorean. I’m shooting everything that moves. Human, zombie, animal…no business, like show business.

Then after shooting my way out of the city I’ll steal an amazing yacht, pile it high with books and food and just cruise. I’ll pillage islands and other abandoned boats for food. I Am Legend for true. I’m gone: I’m a ghost. The zombies are your problems. So long suckers.

(Plan Problems: I don’t know how to fire, load or shoot a gun. Or pilot a yacht).

Vampire Apocalypse: Clearly I’m not referring to Twilight vampires or whatever those posers are trying to be (Twilight vampires come off like sullen emo kids with superficial suburban angst). Vampires are not sparkly, disco balls are. Anyways: if the genuine vampires decide to rise up, I’m down like I’m brown.

Actually, don’t wait…bite me on the neck right now. Vampire life is freshtastic…permanent youth, strutting about with an unbuttoned black shirt, Jim Morrison leather pants, feasting on unsuspecting flesh in Prague nightclubs and you stay up all night. It’s like being in rock n roll without the death inducing drugs and the crippling fear of being a 1-hit-wonder. (I don’t have to wear guyliner right?) So in: bite my neck right now!

(Plan Problems: Blood grosses me out. And I’m a sloppy drinker…that stuff is hard to get out of clothes).

Robopocalypse: I lean towards neo-luddism so of course I saw this coming. And long before Daniel Wilson’s book was King’s Maximum Overdrive. You know it’s time to head to the hills when you see that Joker faced truck. I’d join the craziest cult I could find…David Koresh types or maybe scientologists, hill folks with no sleeves stockpiling weapons. And after some slight hazing join them on the front lines in taking back our world.

Skynet, Hal 9000…no matter what that vicious AI comes up we’ll find the way to shut it down. (cue shotgun cocking sound effect).

(Plan Problem: if it’s us vs the machines I don’t think we have a chance.)

To be continued…In Case of Apocalypse…Part II…

Also published on Medium.

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