Better Left Unsaid

What do Ned Flanders, David Byrne, Angelina Jolie and myself all have in common?

If you said we’re all weird, close!

We’re all left handed!

Yes indeed, high five.

And today is International Lefthanders Day.

How do you plan on celebrating Lefthanders Day?

Not sure? I have 5 suggestions.

1) Gather your left handed friends together and create some new slurs for those smug right handed jerks and their damn binders and scissors.

2) A popular left handed myth is we’re in cahoots with Satan. Today is not the time to debunk such myths but rather let them take deep root. So put on your best metal t-shirt and ask co-workers if anybody knows a virgin as you need to sacrifice one today to your Supreme Master for continued longevity, power and really shiny hair.

3) “In 2006, researchers at Lafayette College and Johns Hopkins University in a study found that right-handed men are 15 percent poorer than left-handed men for those who attended college, and 26 percent poorer if they graduated.” Be nice today and use your left hand to throw some change into a poor man’s coffee cup (held by his right hand).

4) Organize a daring raid on a school and rescue all the tortured left handed children, set them free from insensitive teachers and uncooperative desks. If you get caught just blame Bieber Fever, you’ll be back on the street in no time.

5) Change various hand idioms. “Caught you left handed!” Just let them come up naturally in conversation. “He’s so evil if he gets his right hand on that time machine, it’ll spell doom for us all.” I’m sure by day’s end you’ll have the upper left hand.

Finally a word to all our right-handed friends. We don’t hate you. We just want to be able to go through this world, the way you do. Peacefully, with less cursing, less frustration…actually I can’t do this with a straight face!

Y’all may have the right hand of doom but we got the left hand of chaos so sleep with one open, we’re a coming out of left field! And this time: it’s personal.


Also published on Medium.

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