Excellent comedic timing: emerged from the washroom at the exact moment the seminar room across the hall erupted in loud clapping and wild spring break like cheers.

Oh! Thank You…thank you very much.

I’d like to thank my large tea for giving me the inspiration and opportunity to pee.

My parents…wow…what can I say? You taught me everything about going potty…always so patient. You never got angry when I had accidents. Super encouraging when I encountered setbacks.

I promised myself I wouldn’t cry…oh my bladder. Or is it my kidney? That whole team of guts who keep things moving and flowing…I know it’s a lot of late nights, hardly any sleep…bad food butt through it all you’ve always been there: you’ll forever be inside me. I don’t say it enough but thank you for what you do for me and with me.

Oh the music…ok umm, forgetting so many people: to quote LL Cool J: “I gotta thank God cause he gave me the strength to rock, HARD!”

Lastly…most important: my political statement. We employ all these common expressions like empty the tank, squeeze the lemon…shaking hands with the unemployed (what does that even mean??!) but in these precarious times I encourage all of us to actively use “drain the lizard” so we think about mother nature, being green and recycling and the oceans.

Because if we don’t change now…there will be no kids to drop off at the pool…you know? We get one life so live it full of piss and vinegar. Thank you and good night.

-28-

Listen to My Summer Lair @ W • T • F

Also published on Medium.